JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
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Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked