I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
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reviewed some movies recently
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling