My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
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Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
me irl
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.