The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
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me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name