DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
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If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.