I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
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🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Sing it!
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…