[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
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College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?