Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
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Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted