Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
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Twitter remains undefeated
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
My inexpensive home security system…
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”