Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
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WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Note to self: I am a note