Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
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Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell