healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
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How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I put the hot in psychotic.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.