Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
You Might Also Like
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Y’all know who you are.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)