The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
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Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.