“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
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[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE