The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
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Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head