Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
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I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is