I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
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The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.