Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
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I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.