If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
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When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.