Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
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bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
All set.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.