BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
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I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.