Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
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SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
😬
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.