screw you
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side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
you have three unread messages
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”