(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
You Might Also Like
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”