I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
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Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Stop making fast and furious movies.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Comparing yourself to others
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?