ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
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Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it