A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
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Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Happy Star Wars day!
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer