Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
You Might Also Like
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday