Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
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What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
For cardio I live beyond my means.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.