You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
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Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”