Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
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*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Print is alive and well!!!
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
it’s the silliest best thing
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.