[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
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Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
british sex workers really pound for pound
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her