An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
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I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND