*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
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2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt