1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
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SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Best table by far
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*