I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
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The government even made aliens boring
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded