“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Guys, I found it.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.