Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
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Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
This makes total sense…
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I’m not lazy
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!