I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
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[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Ok who’s got my black socks?