Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
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I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
doing your own taxes
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.