I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
You Might Also Like
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
50 shades of grey = my Liver