Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
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Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
My neck, my back, my…
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.