Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
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Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now