*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
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Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three