AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
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Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!