At least he brought enough for everyone
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“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.