Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
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Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
RT if you could go either way.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.