My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
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My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Not all heroes wear capes…
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I’m sorry…what?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord