[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
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PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.